Hold off on the resolutions till the Mayan calendar has run its course.
Happy new year, everyone. I realize that sounds hollow, with the Mayan calendar coming to an end in 2012, bringing a global cataclysm. Bummer new year, more like. But what the hell. May as well party like it’s 2011. Besides, as the end draws nigh I think we may see some interesting developments in our corner of the doomed world.
Local signs of the Apocalypse have actually been there to see already, for those who paid attention – for example, the huge ship-building contract awarded to North Vancouver’s SeaSpan Marine Corp. People got very excited about the jobs that will be created. But even more jobs are coming when part two of the plan is announced: gathering up two of every kind of animal. Still, the steady deluge that signals the arrival of the Great Flood will be mistaken by Vancouverites for just another February. As the water climbs higher, commuters will tread water and grumble, “We live in a rain forest, but the first hint of moisture and the goddamn SkyTrain stops running.”
More signs of the end times: Mayor Gregor Robertson will announce special dedicated lanes for Camaros and 1986 Trans Ams. Bicycles will be confiscated and their parts recycled to make vintage Lincoln Town Cars. As the clouds of Ragnarok gather overhead, Robertson will proudly unveil a new line of juice products that can double as ham gravy. And when an escaped chicken crosses the road in front of his house the mayor calls 911 and then cancels the backyard coop program. “I will not stand by while this city is made into a joke,” he says. Finally ripping off his mask before a horrified council, the mayor reveals that he’s been Rob Ford all along. Meanwhile the mayor of Toronto announces plans for an annual Michael Moore Film Festival, and compulsory yoga.
After special recall elections, new Vancouver mayor Dustin Byfuglien reveals his plan to prevent future Stanley Cup riots via lengthy prison terms for the Sedins, Ryan Kesler and any other Canucks who show a consistent effort and a determination to win. “I don’t expect we’ll have to jail them all,” Mayor Byfuglien says.
The U.S. election will take a dramatic turn when Texas governor Rick Perry reveals that he has cracked the secret to cold fusion as well as a cure for arthritis. “Sorry if I seemed a little forgetful a while back,” he says. “I had a lot of other stuff on my mind.”
In Britain, Kate Middleton will give birth to a baby boy with an adorable little tail and healthy, glowing red eyes. Prince Damien, grown to full manhood at eight weeks on a diet of live hamsters, will take the throne in a colourful ceremony featuring swarms of goblins and winged monkeys. People magazine will have full coverage, and plenty of gossip about the Prince’s rumoured betrothal to the Whore of Babylon – they were seen canoodling at an Oscar party! Meanwhile Adam Sandler will win both Best Actor and Best Actress for his dual roles in Best Picture winner Jack & Jill. Sandler’s acceptance speech will be interrupted by a streaker riding a pale horse.
Author Dan Brown will release a new book revealing that the Da Vinci Code was real, but unfortunately turned out to be just a Sudoku puzzle. The true apocalyptic code was actually contained in Garfield cartoons. It turns out the pudgy, loveable feline hates Mondays because one of them will bring a rain of fire and brimstone and a screaming hail of death from above. Figures. Mondays!
Finally, there will appear a vision in the sky: Don Cherry, wearing a tasteful, understated Armani suit. And a helmet. With a visor. Truly at that moment you shall know the end has come. But happy new year! Or a portion thereof.