BFD

BCBusiness takes you inside one of the most outrageously upmarket real estate offerings in the province

Address: 1324 West 58th Avenue, Vancouver

Price: $4,180,000

Listing: R2440890

The skinny: Two-bedroom, one-bathroom, 1,000-square-foot house on 9,058 square feet in South Vancouver

The bling: You know a house is a winner when the opening line of its three-sentence sell job includes the words “great choice to build a dream new home or hold for investment.” Because forget actually living here, right? And while most such homes get rented out for a while (before the owner inevitably knocks the place down) to poor students who pool their money, that’s not even an option—you’ve only got two bedrooms to work with, pal! 

The second sentence isn’t much better: “Quiet part of street, easy access to airport, York House, Churchill Secondary Schools.” The airport proximity is of course key, because you’re obviously going to fly off to New York or Paris or some other locale where you actually live while you oversee the demolition of this eyesore.

OK, bring us home, final sentence! “Deep, sun-kissed backyard and the potential for large living space should inspire immediate buyer action!” This is, of course, realtor-speak for “LOOK AT THIS DOUBLE LOT IN AN UPSCALE NEIGHBOURHOOD; DON’T LOOK AT THE ACTUAL HOUSE ON IT.”

As for immediate buyer action…this gem has sat for 139 days, according to REW, which means the seller listed it riiiiight before the global pandemic came to Canada. Good timing. No idea why nobody’s bit.

The hidden extras: Uhh, hmm. Coming up blank here. There’s a carport? That’s all we got.

BFD

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