Olympic Security Wins the Real Gold

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Lots of people looking for work these days: new careers being sought, backup plans being concocted. Where are the next big opportunities? Here’s a tip: follow the money. That should lead you to a brief but lucrative career in Olympic security.

Just check the figures. VANOC figures say security costs for the 2010 Winter Olympics will come in at a bit under $1 billion. You have to figure in a certain amount of cost overrun in these situations – inflation, unexpected odds and ends, taxis – so let’s make that $3 billion. Or leave it at one if you like. Let’s be optimists.

Now do the calculations. The number of athletes expected in Vancouver next February should be around 5,000, and that’s including Paralympic competitors. Five thousand athletes, $1 billion – it works out to about $200,000 per athlete. Each athlete will be in town for no more than a week on average. They can always stay longer if they want, but that’s their own business. We can’t be expected to provide security for the bobsledder who’s still hanging around at the Roxy three weeks later. Let evildoers attempt to harm him in early February and we’re all over it. But if he’s hitting on the wrong guy’s girlfriend in March, that’s his own lookout. Being an Olympic athlete is not like being a former president of the United States and getting a lifetime of Secret Service protection. Which probably explains why Bill Clinton chose a career in politics.

But consider that dollar figure – 200 Gs per athlete per week. Olympic security will be so tight that Jarkko Ruutu won’t be able to throw an elbow at Sidney Crosby without ending up face down in cuffs. We’re talking Oprah money. It opens up a wide range of possible security strategies, and therefore employment opportunities for you.

For $200,000 per athlete, it will be possible to simply drape people over the athletes at all times. Each athlete could go everywhere in a kind of human suit made up of security escorts, wrapped around legs and torsos, slung over each shoulder. They’re athletes – they could manage it. And as one part of that vital team, you could be making a pretty penny.

Alternatively, that kind of cash can pay for watchful guards at the opening and closing ceremonies. One guard per spectator in fact, sitting beside each ticket holder, watching, waiting for suspicious movements. As soon as a hand reaches into a vest pocket, you are right there for the quick takedown. And if it turns out the perp was only reaching for a pack of smokes, well, that’s illegal too.

Those billion smacks are going to buy so much security that a mere Winter Olympics will be unable to contain it all. During that two-week period, security will spread to every corner of Vancouver and Whistler, to every aspect of residents’ lives. We will enjoy secure backyard gardens, secure laundry rooms and restaurant patio tables that are certified free of explosive materials. No one will be able to pop up and surprise you from the back seat of your car as so often happens in movies. Your back seats will be empty of all unauthorized personnel. That’s a promise from VANOC. And making it happen could be lucrative for you.

There’s always the danger VANOC will go a different route – for example, purchasing the Phoenix Coyotes, Nashville Predators, Atlanta Thrashers and Tampa Bay Lightning franchises and deploying the players as security goons. But even if they don’t – even if you do succeed in grabbing an Olympic security job – you know it would only be a short-term solution. When the Games end, you’ll be looking for work once more. Why not seek out something with more long-term potential – like filing documents at the BC Rail inquiry? There’s nothing like the peace of mind that comes with job security.