Sidewalk Rage: The Biggest Umbrella Wins

Sidewalk Rage: The Biggest Umbrella Wins | BCBusiness

The fight for sidewalk real estate rages on.

The Vancouver real estate market has had its difficulties recently. In particular, this time of year gives rise to issues with sidewalk real estate. When the rain falls that turf becomes the city’s most precious commodity as pedestrians attempt to find space for their umbrellas while avoiding the umbrellas of others.

Sidewalk real estate is completely unregulated, and thus wide open for unscrupulous manipulation. The chief rogue element: golf umbrellas, which represent the triumph of a completely unfettered sidewalk market. There is no system for rationing the vertical space above our civic walkways, and with nothing to prevent the aerial gold rush the advantage goes to the most rapacious – those who have the cojones to say, “Hey, I know a narrow strip of cement is not really the place for a device designed to cover a golf cart on a wide, green fairway. But if these things were illegal they wouldn’t be able to sell them. Go buy your own.”

It’s survival of the biggest. Heaven help the doily-sized fold-up pocket model that must hold its ground against an approaching patio umbrella. If current trends hold we could see the umbrella industry follow the example set by baby carriage manufacturers: at some point it became standard to make buggies the size of SUVs. Umbrellas could even become automotive. Who then will stand up for the undersized?

The issue seems ripe for government intervention. There is certainly a precedent for regulatory solutions at the civic level. New York mayor Michael Bloomberg made serious carbonated waves last fall when, citing rising obesity rates, he banned the sale of single-serving soda sizes larger than 16 ounces within city limits.

Vancouver has its own behaviour modification programs at work, notably smoking bans and, most controversially, transportation policy. The city’s approach has been prescriptive: Get out ahead of the process with improved bike lanes and expanded transit in the belief that societally beneficial behaviour will follow. Give people the means to a better approach and they’ll get on board. Meanwhile, gas taxes and expensive parking make car trips less attractive. Could Vancouver City Hall also take on big umbrellas? And if so, how?

Umbrella lanes are the obvious solution. Concrete dividers would mark out designated walkways where parasols of modest size are to be given right of way. Density is another buzzword for urban planners, which would in this case be accomplished by mandating extra-long handles for the largest monstrosities, forcing them higher while clearing room for more sensible umbrellas lower down.

Yet such regulatory measures will surely meet resistance. There will be cries of “Nanny state!” Can we be good without government? Ideally, conservatives tell us, such questions ought to be decided by market forces. There’s a reason you don’t see a lot of Hummers on the road anymore: gas prices. The big beasts just aren’t very practical. But the same free-market forces have little effect on umbrella size. Operating costs are the same regardless of whether your portable canopy is small enough to fit in a purse or large enough to have its own member of Parliament.

If economic forces don’t apply and regulation is frowned upon, social pressure is all that remains. Something like this already happened to people who use umbrellas while walking beneath awnings. Radio hosts have demonized the practice, which can crowd out the umbrella-less and push them out into the rain (although to be fair, sometimes an umbrella carrier gets boxed in). But to take it to the next level a celebrity may have to take up the obnoxious brolly issue. When the golf umbrella has become the equivalent of puffing a cigar on a school bus the battle will be won.

Unless trends run the other way. The debut of the V-12 Hummer Self-Propelled Rain Canopy could be the turning point. Let the sidewalk arms race begin.