Big Pharma & What’s Wrong With You

Big Pharma & What’s Wrong With You | BCBusiness
First commandment of Big Pharma: Filling a need is good, but creating one is better.

Finding the right medical terminology provides the perfect excuse to dispense expensive (and unnecessary) drugs.

I have recently been diagnosed with CBB Syndrome. It’s pretty serious, I suppose. What I want to know is, when will the pharmaceutical industry spring into action and deal with my problem?

CBB can affect almost every aspect of life. Symptoms are easy to spot. A friend calls you up to go for a drink when you’re on the couch watching the Scripps National Spelling Bee. “Sorry pal,” you say. “CBB.” The phone rings again – the credit card company this time, suggesting that you make a payment on your burgeoning balance. Once again you must swallow your embarrassment and explain to a stranger the painful facts of CBB.

The question is one of treatment. As yet there are no specific drugs for CBB on the market, but signs are positive. The most important hurdle has already been cleared. The crucial requirement is not research or funding or testing – it’s coming up with a disease in the first place, and giving it a catchy name. According to the new book, Sex, Lies, and Pharmaceuticals by Ray Moynihan and Barbara Mintzes (Greystone), Big Pharma has become expert at creating ailments that can subsequently be targeted with profitable drugs. As described by Moynihan and Mintzes, the current frontier for Big Pharma is FSD – Female Sexual Dysfunction. Massive resources are being devoted to the medicalization of female sexuality, a subject examined last spring at an SFU conference that drew such participants as NYU Medical School’s Leonore Tiefer, a key source for Sex, Lies, and Pharmaceuticals. Just as Viagra, Levitra and Cialis caused swelling profits for Pfizer, Bayer and Eli Lilly, drug companies hope that new pills and creams intended to boost female desire may cause a sudden rush of cash to their bottom lines.

In this regard, I feel that CBB holds real promise. It rolls off the tongue. It sounds serious. It will not be confused with other successful, treatable problems like dandruff, or ring around the collar, or erectile dysfunction. Perhaps my suffering will soon be at an end.

Finding a legitimate need and filling it is lovely – Vancouver-based success stories like Happy Planet and Nature’s Path have followed that traditional path of identifying market niches and exploiting them for profit. But marketers have long understood that if filling a need is good, creating a need is better. That kind of strategy is usually beyond B.C.-based businesses (although Lululemon arguably managed it by touting the health benefits of seaweed-based clothing). Generally it takes some big resources to pull it off. Shampoo marketers are masters of the art: From split ends to thinning hair to “frizz” to dull, lustreless locks, there’s a shampoo ad that will alert you to your shortcomings.

Still, no one does the job like Big Pharma. The fine folks who transformed shyness into Social Anxiety Disorder are now intent on making women feel bad about keeping their pants on. Plans are still evolving. According to the authors of Sex, Lies, and Pharmaceuticals, one newly minted acronym, HSDD (Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder), may already be on the way out – sort of like a new cola that didn’t test well.

One thing is certain – drugs like Viagra will not work on CBB. Quite the opposite. The last thing a man glued to the couch watching the fourth quarter of a big game needs is Viagra. If the little blue pill could cause some part of your body to pop into the kitchen for chips and beer while the rest of you stays couch-bound, fine. As it is, Viagra will only make the problem worse: “Oh geez, now what?” the patient grumbles. “Honestly – CBB.”

CBB can strike anyone, although it primarily affects teenagers, the middle aged and cable subscribers. While we wait for a cure, education is the best defense. Visit CantBeBothered.com for more info. Eventually, anyway – so far no one has gotten around to building the website.