Big Fat Deal: $4.3 million to snake House Slytherin in Surrey

BCBusiness takes you inside one of the most outrageously upmarket real estate offerings in the province.

BCBusiness takes you inside one of the most outrageously upmarket real estate offerings in the province

Address: 12378 56A Avenue

Price: $4,288,000

Listing: R2763431

The skinny: 10-bedroom, eight-bathroom house on 12,637 sq ft in Surrey 

The bling: First off, let us just say that there are many members of House Slytherin who aren’t awful. Professor Snape, Draco and countless other nameless characters who weren’t important to the plot at hand but didn’t follow ol’ Voldy’s fascist plan.

Being a Slytherin isn’t all bad. And I think that’s what this house is trying to convey as well. Why else have a large S on both gates? Forget the Sorting Hat, you buy this house and you’re in, it’s done. And you can confirm that every time you beep the S gates open from the inside of your Lexus.

And then there’s the teal. The curtains in the library (a room that actually looks ripped right out of one of the books), the chairs in the dining room (that somehow manage to be uglier than the wallpaper), and the downstairs kitchen (the top got renovated but I guess they couldn’t swing a two-for-one).

Decidedly not teal is the very blue, very bold den, with a couch and ottoman that match the ceiling. Because who hasn’t gotten the boys together to watch The Great Gatsby on a sparkling blue couch beside a fireplace and a bird pendant? You ever heard of class, bro?

If that somehow doesn’t satisfy your desire for cinema, there’s also a massive home auditorium that somebody clearly photoshopped a still frame of Ghostbusters onto the screen of, like when you’re searching for “Nickleback Vancouver tickets” and quickly Google something else when someone walks by your desk. I’m not speaking from experience.

There’s a sweet round hot tub just outside the patio doors that might make you feel like you’re alone in the wilderness. (Until you discover that Moaning Myrtle lives in it.)

There’s also what looks to be a Wimbledon-sized tennis court that I can’t in good consciousness hate on, except to say that it’s not a stretch to imagine Draco repping out there in his whites.

The hidden extras: Usually you have to flip through a thousand photos in every listing, but this one thankfully keeps it somewhat brief. In case you missed it, there are two master suites, along with eight (!) other bedrooms, a carriage home over the four-car garage and a freaking elevator.